every night, i die

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:43:25 GMT

here's to you, friends.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:14:35 GMT

my birthday wish is for all my friends to come to polk, and get drunk with me. that's all i want. make it happen.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:18:10 GMT

"all day, everyday, i think of her and how i want to move foward in time. just take the clock and calendar, and make them think of the future instead of present."

what a romantic i was.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:42:10 GMT

boy came up to me one day when he was 8 years old and said
"Daddy, i wanna race with the real men" and i said
"Boy, you ain't even a man yet" and he said
"Daddy, you weren't a man yet at one time either." and i said
"Boy, at least wait til you're 16 to make this decision you're gonna make." and he said
"Daddy, I don't need to wait til im 16, I'm 8 years old and i'm ready to race with the real men."
And this is how it went

I
Boy came up to me and said
"Daddy I love you and i want to spend the rest of my life with you" and I said (Daddy's boy)
"Boy are you gay?" and he said (Daddy's boy)
"Boy, i mean daddy, no, i ain't gay, im just you're son and..i love you, i love you daddy." (Daddy's boy)

He was 18 and he was in college, 4 years later he graduated with his masters degree and he called me and he said
"Daddy, i wanna know what I do after college" and then he said
"Boy, I don't know, i never made it that far." and he said
"Daddy, come on help me, i need it." and he and i said
"Boy...go get married" and he said
"No daddy, I don't think another woman in my life do this." and I said
"You're right, I got caught cheating 3 times." and he said
"Daddy, I won't ever make the mistakes like you." and I said
"Boy, shut up." and he said
"Daddy, I'm coming home." and I said
"Hell no."
He caught the next train over, and now he's here.

"Boy, get the Hell out of my house" and he said
"No Daddy, i want to stay with you." and I said (Daddy's boy)
"No! Get out! now, now!" and he said (Daddy's boy)
"No Daddy, I want to stay" (Daddy's boy)
"I said no" (Daddy's boy)

So I finally gave in and said
"Boy, alright you can stay, but you have to pay me rent." and he said
"Alright Daddy, anything to live my life with the father I love." and he said
"Shut the Hell up." and he said
"Daddy, I wanna give you a hug." and I said
"Get the Hell away from me." and he said
"I love you Daddy."

And then, 3 days later, I shot myself.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:11:57 GMT

im drowning in this shithole. i feel like my head is going to fucking explode.

GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:22:17 GMT

im feel alone. i feel useless. i want my friends back. i want a life. i want a girl

i want, i want, i want. i need to quit bitching.

all in all i just don't give a fuck about my future, or even myself. im tired of caring about others and getting shit on day by day. i love all of my friends. im starting to see that there are pieces of shit around me. i believe now that lakeland is full of sketchy people. i dont like sketchiness at all.

i dont have any courage.

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 23:06:40 GMT

I tried to love you and I failed

i shouldn't be thinking of this, but i couldn't help but remember...today would've been 5 years.

Dance to the sound of his weight bearing back fucking breaking

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:24:22 GMT

every time i get on here, i always complain about how shitty my life is. i always mention things that i want to do, but probably won't happen mostly because ive become nothing short of a piece of shit in a fucking toilet. i want to be a tattoo artist, a musician, a father, a husband. yet i can't grasp any of the positive qualities of these professions/jobs. im starting to think i suck at everything i do, and this is why i get so intimidated easily.

i can only strive to succeed at these goals. im going to draw everyday, i've found someone to mentor me in a couple of months. so i could quite possibly become a tattoo artist in the next year. im going to continue to go to school and take my music classes and learn more about my instrument and possibly start a band. the father/husband part i can wait as long as possible for, im in no hurry for that shit lol. but i am single and willing to cuddle.

sorry for complaining all the time.
i understand if you don't give a shit.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 02:57:39 GMT

i kinda want to be a tattoo artist.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:03:57 GMT

i wish i was more motivated to do things that would be good for me. instead i do everything wrong. i eat unhealthy, sleep unhealthy, dream unhealthy. im at a point in my life, where things seem to be a routine, and i hate routines.

ahh im boring. so. fucking. boring.

...and there's no time for a second chance.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:49:30 GMT

this past weekend made me realize how much i love and miss my friends. i chilled with a lot of people that i havent seen in a pretty long time, people that i consider my brothers. it felt good sitting on a back porch, high as fuck, and just listening to music and reminiscing about the good times. it also made me realize how much i miss my band. those were the good days. we listened to music that just made us feel good and made us remember. pete told me "im so glad you're here listening to this with me..." i felt so good after that.

i've been thinking a lot lately (actually im always thinking) about how high school would've been if i was single. i couldve spent so much more time with my friends than i did. gone to parties and just hung out instead of listening to my girlfriend bitch bc she didnt want me to go and ending up staying at her house watching a movie. i wonder if i wouldve dedicated more time to my music and learning guitar a little better. i hate what ifs...and i realize that i can't change any of that now.

im horrible at writing shit.

im still living day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. we all have to grow up sometime, don't we?

i love and miss you guys.

one for me and one for my homies.

...and we're on so many drugs with the radio on and the curtains drawn

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 03:53:39 GMT

we had planned to engage in our weekly ritual, which consisted of going to a secluded gazeebo at the entrance of a neighborhood to enhale one of god's greatest gifts. there were six of us.

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 15:19:43 GMT

well it's getting to be that time of the year again.

i had another dream with elisa last night. this time matty d was also in it. they sat and judged me the entire dream. i remember finally telling them that i have to go and buy some cigarettes. i woke up in a depressed mood, which im kinda still in right now.

we started talking about a story today in lit class that was about a woman that cheated on her husband, blah, blah. well, the question was asked, " how many of you have been in a long, serious relationship?" i was thinking that there was going to be more people raising their hands, but i was wrong and was the only one who did. she asked me how long, then asked me, "were both of you just bored?" i answered with "i loved her more than she loved me"

the whole class just went "aww" idk if it shouldve bothered me or not, but it didnt. for some reason im depressed, but i feel good at the same time. i feel like im conquering something right now, idk what it is, but im conquering it. im chewing it up and swallowing it.

the weather is changing...im going to go get high tonight.
im not making any sense.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 21:14:27 GMT

ran the train in tallahassee.

Don't cut me out...

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:47:11 GMT

i really wish i had something intelligent to say on here. life is good. school is good. i still hate my job. you know.

love.

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 16:09:26 GMT

when you're high, "you can control your life" and "better safe than sorry" are like miracle words. they mean so much, at least when im high.
it's been an enlightening week.
i get ink tomorrow.

i love to remember the good days.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:16:33 GMT

i just found out today that i have to join jazz band and some other clubs that work towards my major. i also found out that i will be at psc for another 2 years. right now im terrified, mostly bc i was never really that good at guitar.

the good thing is that i will get private lessons from a professor at psc and pretty much be really good by the time that i get my aa. im still scared, but i love my major. the next 2 years is just going to be music and im ok with that.

i get so intimidated easily.

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 21:57:14 GMT

it's been one whole year since elisa and i broke up. this past year has probably been the worst, yet best year of my life. i realized how shitty she treated me. i was a different person when i was with her, now im actually me.

im feeling kind of lonely right now. to be honest i wish i was living in tallahassee again with my friends. making music with my boys up there. playing whatever drinking game we can play just to get shitty. listening to whatever song is worthy of singing bc we're fucking drunk.

this song adds emotion to this post. it makes it sound as if ill never have any of that again, which really sucks. goddamnit i hate feeling alone. it's probably the worst feeling in the world, yet i cant fight it.

i miss you guys. drink one for me.

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 15:45:12 GMT

so far im enjoying all of my classes. i've learned a lot in my music class in just two days and i really like the teacher.
i dont need a girl.
i am pleased.

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 17:52:53 GMT

thomas and i have decided to write some acoustic songs and play them on sidewalks at the mall and at munn park. im really excited for this.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 04:48:29 GMT

i think this year has been a great year for music.

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 12:51:28 GMT

so i joined that musiclovers community, and i realized that no one there would help me widen my music variety.

there's only so much i can read about MCR.

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 07:59:51 GMT

the last few weeks have been weird for me. some mornings ill wake up remembering that i had a dream about elisa, then i would try to shake it off, but somehow i would get a little down about it. i sometimes think about how happy she is but how unhappy i am...am i really unhappy? i have the greatest friends in the world, both here and in tallahassee. even though we have issues, i have have a great family. i have a job, food to eat, and a place to stay. sometimes i look at myself and i think about how much of a fat fuck loser i am, but really im just a guy that trying to get somewhere in life. im tired of feeling sorry for myself. im tired of telling myself that im unhappy. the reality here is that i am a happy person. im so much more happier than i was with her. and i thank all of my friends for that.

i will be me until the day i die. most people will not accept that and im ok with it.

we are the underdogs, but we will prevail. i fucking promise.

brittney, you're post gave me goosebumps.

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 04:29:54 GMT

i wish i could write.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:47:01 GMT

two nights in a row with bad dreams.